Rejected Ad Copy: Volume 1 – Home Entertainment Provider

As a freelance writer, I take on clients and projects with a broad range of topics. It can be difficult to find the proper “voice” that fits with each client’s needs. Sometimes, a bit too much of my own personal style bleeds into my corporate work, and the train can get away from the tracks. Here’s an example. This post was supposed to highlight the special family programming available from a major home entertainment provider.

Needless to say, this post will NOT be appearing on the company website.

Finding quality family entertainment can be hard. Sports cost a lot of money, and often result in brain injuries, or if you’re kid is the awkward, unathletic type, a lifetime of shame and frustration. Parks are full of scary drug addicts and sex workers, and you’re always hearing about kids getting AIDS from dirty needles hidden between grains of sand and shards of broken crack pipes.

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Untitled Mardi Gras Project: Part 1

12:39pm Wednesday February 26, 2014

Take-off. First song of the trip is Honky Tonk Women, which seems fitting. The ascent was bumpy, and would have benefited greatly from more alcohol. Ironically, and somewhat cruelly, given that I am currently too broke to buy any booze, the entire cabin area back here in row 37 smells like recently spilled beer.  I haven’t figured out why, but I’m guessing the flight in from Houston got a little out of control. One of the attendants is pretty hot, especially for a flight attendant, the majority of whom seem to be held together with gauze and duct tape. I’m strategizing a charm offensive that might result in some complimentary drinks. It’s a new thing I’m doing. Charm. Whereas, historically, “offensive” was probably the more operative term, of the two.  So we’ll see.

The security was unusually lax this morning. I breezed through, from curb to gate, in less than 10 minutes. The TSA didn’t berate, belittle or defile me in any way. There wasn’t even the x-ray spinning thing or a public genital pat-down. Where did the love go?  I’ve grown fond of the institutionalized public humiliation. It has become almost a fetish, really. Oh well, at least my gate was literally the closest one to the check point. I put my boots and belt back on and was immediately ready to board.  Or would have been, had the flight not been delayed by a half hour. So, instead of boarding, I had another in a seemingly endless series of angry phone calls bitching about a deadbeat client who just can’t seem to figure out how to pay her bill. But alas, the future promised an escape from all of that. From the anger, from the stress. From any notions of responsibility, maturity or sobriety. The future was Mardi Gras.  Continue reading

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The Seahawks Prove Me Wrong About Football, Humanity

I know I’ve made a lot of jokes about football. Its fans, its players, and the preposterous amounts of money spent on its behalf. And while I still cannot abide the exorbitant sums spent by fans who should instead be buying books for their children, the way that sports, in general, have largely replaced religion as the nation’s primary opiate, or the outrageous paychecks handed down to privileged and entitled thugs who amount to little more then modern day gladiators with rap sheets as long as their stretch Hummers, I would be remiss if I did not admit that there are some rather glowing, shining exceptions. Some of these guys are pretty damn amazing.

The Seahawks, as a team, are exceptional this year. But not because they are winning games. That’s nice, and I enjoy watching them win, especially after a lifetime of shame and sorrow, watching my hometown team get crushed year after dismal year. No. That’s not why I’m paying attention again. I’m paying attention again because of guys like Derrick Coleman. I’m paying attention because these guys are making so much good come out of their fame and fortune. I’m paying attention because I am inspired not only by their teamwork, and their ability to overcome adversity, but by their willingness to give back to society, to be genuine role models. By their exceptionalism, itself. Because they are intelligent and articulate and kind and good. Because they are proving that fame and fortune are not the point to all of this, and that they do not necessarily corrupt those who find them.

Watch this video. I dare you not to choke up, at least a little bit. No matter what happens on Sunday, a sizable chunk of my faith in humanity has been restored today, and for that I am truly grateful.

Derrick Coleman restores my faith in humanity

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Pope Frank in the Cross-Hairs of History

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Anybody else get the nagging feeling that the new Pope is gonna get assassinated? He’s just so…GOOD! The power structure behind the throne has got to be squirming. I mean…he’s just so openly Christian! Like, CHRISTIAN Christian. Doing good deeds, loving those in need, accepting those with different beliefs, turning the other cheek. This compassion will not stand, man!

But seriously. Every time he does some awesome new thing, like being sympathetic to gays and atheists (my homies), or trashing Capitalism and openly advocating the rights of the poor, I get the strange desire to actually…LIKE him. While that’s unique and warm and fuzzy for me, personally, I just know there are some (probably several) old-school nutbags out there that want to shut this guy up, to maintain the status quo of ignorance and persecution of anyone with alternative beliefs. Just like Ghandi, MLK and many other brave, outspoken proponents of peace and love (*cough* Jesus *cough*), Pope Frank is risking everything to do some genuine good. For that, he has my respect.

I’m just not so sure that having the respect of people like me is healthy for him. After all, I am a heretic, a heathen and a blasphemer. People in his club used to actively persecute, torture and murder the people in mine. Many of them would like to continue doing so, which puts him directly at odds with his own followers. My bet is that it will be one of his own that decides to silence him. I really hope I’m wrong…but my gut is usually right.

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It’s a Tiger, Stupid! My Thoughts on Duck Dynasty

In a recent interview with GQ, Duck Dynasty patriarch, Phil Robertson, had some colorful things to say about gays, blacks, and all sorts of other people.

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- “It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical,” he’s quoted as saying.

When asked what he thought was sinful, Robertson replied: “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” -

Obviously, comments comparing homosexuality to bestiality are ignorant and ridiculous. I think we can all agree on that.

A major part of this guy’s job is to be an ignorant, backwoods redneck who says funny-sounding dumb shit, so that slightly-less-dumb people can laugh and feel superior. So I’m a little confounded by all the uproar. So what, a stupid idiot said something stupid and idiotic? And? This is “shocking” in the same way that the attack on Siegfried and Roy by their tiger was shocking…in that it wasn’t. At all. It’s a TIGER!!! THAT’S WHAT TIGERS DO!!! It was only a matter of time. I find it hard to believe that anybody is actually surprised by this. This is exactly what they’re paying him for. Continue reading

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Be a Part of Music History with Whim Grace on Kickstarter!

Just imagine yourself living in a different time. It is 1965, and you’re at a small, smokey bar in Austin, Texas. Neon lights buzz softly along the walls, illuminating the high-backed leather booths with a soft red glow. A cold Lone Star sits half-empty in front of you, beside an empty glass of well whiskey. You light yourself a Marlboro Red and ponder another round, pausing to notice the dingy stage curtains slowly part, and the form of a smallish woman with wavy brown hair, decorated with fresh flowers, sauntering up to a microphone, guitar in hand. She begins to sing. Old blues standards. Those first moments seem to hang for an eternity, and you don’t even realize your jaw has dropped wide open, because the intensity of your disbelief has rendered you oblivious to everything…everything but the voice. That voice! That voice emanates from someplace else, someplace beyond. Surely, it cannot possibly be coming form this pretty little person you see on the stage. After belting out a string of tunes that seem to reach out through the wafting smoke, reaching inside of you, beneath the crust of your consciousness, making every hair on your neck stand up at incredulous attention, this woman…this impossibly soft and lovely little person introduces herself, in a low and raspy voice, simply as Janis. Despite your disbelief, you are immediately convinced of one thing. A fact like none other you’ve ever known. This woman is a star. Maybe nobody outside of this little bar knows it, yet, but it is nevertheless a universal truth. And you are her instant evangelist.

CLICK HERE to read the whole article! Seriously. CLICK HERE!!!

This article was originally posted here, then moved to another site because this one was being a pain. So now there’s just the excerpt. I hope you’ll like it enough to click through to the other page. Thanks.

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This Week in Right-Wing Douchebaggery…Kansas

You know, Christians…I would think that, as experts on persecution, at least historically speaking, that you might somehow, some way, manage to MUSTER UP SOME COMMON FUCKING DECENCY!!!!! I have seriously had it with this shit. At this point, I’m about to call the zoo and see about buying some lions.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. “But Rob, these people are not representative of ALL Christians! These people are ignorant fucking scumbags who occupy only a very tiny minority among a very broad, and generally decent religious community. It sounds like you’re attacking Christianity, itself! That’s no fair!!!” Continue reading

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I’ve been Doing Life Wrong

I think maybe I’ve been doing life wrong. I somehow got it into my head that the measure of success was…success, itself. Without really realizing it consciously, I allowed aspirations of fame and fortune and acceptance and love to become my primary motivation. Somewhere along the way I became more concerned with how I could move up some made-up socio-economic ladder. How to make more “x” so I could buy more “y” and therefore feel more “z”…it’s all just so arbitrary.

Walking home late tonight from a long day with a good friend, I suddenly remembered that none of this matters. No amount of fame or fortune will make any difference or make me happier as a person. I remember, vaguely, that there was a time when I was truly happy. It had nothing to do with status or wealth or even receiving love from others. Although those things are certainly enjoyable, happiness depends more on what you DON’T have. The cycle of stress that stems from material desires, a definition of success that requires an ever-increasing amount of personal belongings and accolades and responsibilities. The need for validation from others. But what for? What’s the point? Continue reading

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Ex-Pope Blames Upper Management For Resignation

Pope Blames Management“So God was all like, ‘look, Bennie. We’ve umm…decided to go in a different direction…It’s not that we don’t like the work you’re doing. It’s just that, umm…you know. Times are tough, and we’ve had to make some cutbacks. I don’t want you to think that this in any way brings into question the notion of infallibility. We here in management just feel like maybe it’s time for a change. Let’s just chalk it up to creative differences. You can keep the company car and the villa. Cool?’” – Pope Benedict

From Huff Post-

Former Pope Benedict cited his advanced age and failing strength as the reason he stepped down from the Church’s highest office on February 11, though recent comments reveal a different motivation behind his unusual resignation, the first in 600 years. Continue reading

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Holiday Happy Funtime 2012: Part 1

Happ Christmas Funtime 2012 #1

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Go fuck yourself, Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee School Shooting

“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

So what, Mike? Are you saying they deserved it? Is that it? This is some kind of punishment being inflicted on people because they don’t want to pray to your god in public schools? If this is the kind of thing your god allows to happen, is it really any wonder why we don’t want him mentioned in a place where our children are learning? Continue reading

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Fun Facts with Mitt: Planet Kolob

Mitt Romney believes that God has several wives (one of which is Mary, mom of Jesus) and lives on a distant star by the name of Kolob. He also believes that, when he dies, he will become a god of his own planet and preside over his own universe with as many wives as he likes. Continue reading

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Fun Facts with Mitt: The Garden of Eden

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Dear Chet, How many dates before I should do anal?

Dear Chet,

So I’m hanging out with this Russian chick I met online (your area of expertise, obviously)… We’re planning our next date, which she then says she may need to cut short.  I’m thinking “great, I already F’d this up somehow”… until she says the reason she plans on cutting the date short is so we can head back to my place to “snuggle and watch a horror movie”.  I’m like “Yeah, back in the game bitches…” Then she proclaims she loves anal sex. Literally, it was the next thing out of her mouth after “snuggle and watch a horror movie”.
How should I approach this one, oh great Swami of Love?

Sincerely,  Whore and Peace

Thank you for writing, WAP. Well, this is a sticky situation. You’ve got to watch your step with those Russians. They don’t mess around. In fact, just today I had my life threatened by a very small Russian woman after having casually suggested that there may very well be a burgeoning market for attractive female Russian hip-hop performers, such as herself. After graciously offering my services as her agent, for a reasonable fee, of course, I was immediately informed that her Russian mafia connections (it’s true, they ALL have them) were likely to remove my kneecaps and choke me to death with them should they catch even the faintest whiff of impropriety with the bookkeeping. True story. We ultimately came to a sensible agreement. I agreed to reduce my fee after she wrote to me explaining that she would be the one having to “do all the raping[sic]“…  Continue reading

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Fun With Mythology: Noah’s Ark

Technically, the word “genocide” refers only to national, ethnic, racial, or religious groups. Let’s not forget that billions of innocent animals were also murdered. Cute, furry little animals that might have made happy little pets. Just imagine the heartbroken faces of all the children whose kittens and puppies died. I mean the children who weren’t swept up and drowned in god’s little tantrum, that is.

Thank God for this picture.

 

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