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“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”
So what, Mike? Are you saying they deserved it? Is that it? This is some kind of punishment being inflicted on people because they don’t want to pray to your god in public schools? If this is the kind of thing your god allows to happen, is it really any wonder why we don’t want him mentioned in a place where our children are learning? Continue reading
Mitt Romney believes that God has several wives (one of which is Mary, mom of Jesus) and lives on a distant star by the name of Kolob. He also believes that, when he dies, he will become a god of his own planet and preside over his own universe with as many wives as he likes. Continue reading
So I’m hanging out with this Russian chick I met online (your area of expertise, obviously)… We’re planning our next date, which she then says she may need to cut short. I’m thinking “great, I already F’d this up somehow”… until she says the reason she plans on cutting the date short is so we can head back to my place to “snuggle and watch a horror movie”. I’m like “Yeah, back in the game bitches…” Then she proclaims she loves anal sex. Literally, it was the next thing out of her mouth after “snuggle and watch a horror movie”.
How should I approach this one, oh great Swami of Love?
Sincerely, Whore and Peace
Thank you for writing, WAP. Well, this is a sticky situation. You’ve got to watch your step with those Russians. They don’t mess around. In fact, just today I had my life threatened by a very small Russian woman after having casually suggested that there may very well be a burgeoning market for attractive female Russian hip-hop performers, such as herself. After graciously offering my services as her agent, for a reasonable fee, of course, I was immediately informed that her Russian mafia connections (it’s true, they ALL have them) were likely to remove my kneecaps and choke me to death with them should they catch even the faintest whiff of impropriety with the bookkeeping. True story. We ultimately came to a sensible agreement. I agreed to reduce my fee after she wrote to me explaining that she would be the one having to “do all the raping[sic]“… Continue reading
Technically, the word “genocide” refers only to national, ethnic, racial, or religious groups. Let’s not forget that billions of innocent animals were also murdered. Cute, furry little animals that might have made happy little pets. Just imagine the heartbroken faces of all the children whose kittens and puppies died. I mean the children who weren’t swept up and drowned in god’s little tantrum, that is.
Thank God for this picture.
I’m super hot shit on OK Cupid this week, for some reason. As always, I’m taking it very seriously. Here’s an exchange with a complete stranger from this afternoon:
Her: “You seem batshit crazy… Are you as entertaining as you seem?”
Me: “No. I’m an insufferable dullard. I’m also pretty racially intolerant. I’m not totally averse to beating small children just for the laughs. I voted for George W. Bush THREE times. For fun I like to recite Harry Potter chapters in reverse from memory, like a slightly less cool Twin Peaks red room midget. I like to watch paint dry, but only gray paint. I’ve been wanting to try watching grass grow, but I’m afraid of being overstimulated.”
Her: “Well, at least you got a Twin Peaks reference in there…..”
Me: “It was the high point of my day. ”
Her: “Mine too.”
This, folks, is what keeps me going in life. I assume the same goes for you, too.
In an effort to continue my meteoric rise toward Hollywood fame and fortune, I thought it would be a good idea to fill out the application to be an extra on the set of Portlandia. That seems like a logical next step. From there, it should only be a matter of time until I have my own show. Seems reasonable. So, I filled in the obvious blanks with my contact info, age, weight and height. I lied a little bit about my weight….only because most guys who are 5’9″ and weigh 200 pounds are pretty fat. I’m only slightly fat, after all. I didn’t want to mislead anyone. Then again, I assume my competition will be primarily emaciated, furry hipsters, so maybe a few extra pounds will make me appear as special as I want to believe I am.
Here’s what I submitted: Continue reading
This is absolutely amazing. For the first time in my life, I am actually genuinely optimistic about the future of freedom and expression. It is truly beautiful, the way the Internet has empowered individuals to come together and demonstrate the power of collective ambition. The Internet has become the greatest equalizing force in the history of humanity. My guess is that this week’s defeat of the SOPA bill will be remembered as a turning point in the struggle of the many versus the power of the few. At least until the 1% comes up with an excuse to nationalize the Internet, that is… I wouldn’t be surprised if some “terrorist threat” emerged in the next few years to “justify” a crack-down on Internet freedom in the name of “national security”… but then again, even the people and corporations with all the money need the Internet to maintain their fortunes.
So maybe we really are all in this together. Maybe they really will have to finally cede some of their power to the masses. Maybe the future really is as bright as all those hollow campaign promises we’re going to hear until November. I sure hope so.
Earlier this week, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. It was a very sad and tragic blah blah blah, and now he is preparing to be released back into the wild. As is my charge in life, I have felt compelled to offer him some rebound advice. I am, after all, an expert on relationships…or at least on ending them. After finding inspiration in a somewhat lengthy Facebook thread (122 comments, and counting) I have come up with 10 tips that should help even the most burned out husks of former men regain their sense of purpose and get back to what life is really all about…which, as far as I can tell, is banging chicks that are either hotter, dirtier or closer in proximity than their exes. And so, I give you:
#10 While on the rebound, it is important to invite your funny friends out for drinks…and cover their tabs. After all, you really can’t put a price on good jokes, and I, “cough”, I mean your funny friends, don’t make a lot of money right now. Blogging may be sexy and hilarious, but it is not as lucrative as I tell my mom it is…
#9 Don’t get caught up worrying about finding a new girl as hot as the last one right away. Your friends will let you bag a couple of wildebeests out of the gate while you regain your confidence. They respect the process and will therefore refrain from openly mocking you.
#8 While they may ordinarily be otherwise, in the wake of a break-up strippers ARE, in fact, your friends. If you play it right, you can probably score a free sympathy lap dance, especially if you are accompanied by one of your handsome writer friends…”cough” hint hint “cough”… It is a well-known fact that writers achieve their creative best while in the company of strippers. It’s true. Look it up. Continue reading
Admittedly, that title has very little to do with this post, but whatever. I’m not exactly a legit journalist…
Mitt Romney for President 2012
“One must state it plainly. Religion comes from the period of human prehistory where nobody-not even the mighty Democritus who concluded that all matter was made from atoms-had the smallest idea what was going on. It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species, and is a babyish attempt to meet our inescapable demand for knowledge (as well as for comfort, reassurance and other infantile needs). Today the least educated of my children knows much more about the natural order than any of the founders of religion, and one would like to think-though the connection is not a fully demonstrable one-that this is why they seem so uninterested in sending fellow humans to hell.”
― Christopher Hitchens
“I suppose that one reason I have always detested religion is its sly tendency to insinuate the idea that the universe is designed with ‘you’ in mind or, even worse, that there is a divine plan into which one fits whether one knows it or not.
This kind of modesty is too arrogant for me.”